Heavy

why so heavy? moving as if it's a fight
as if it's just enought to avert my eyes;
you closed yours, leaned back, sighed. (i thought maybe
you were trying not to cry.) why am i alright? (that's
what i thought you wondered, about me, about why
i walked and talked and thought so slowly. i won't
admit that i was fighting- fighting the urge to run or
punch or just ignore everything and go
to sleep.) i felt nothing, felt nothing, feel
nothing except
heavy.






This is an OLD one. It goes along with those other ones, "Feeble" and "Cut".

Feeble

He said, “I know you want to, but I
don’t because it’s almost impossible for me to
find someone who likes
the things you do, and is gorgeous too.”
I walked him to the door, silently,
wanting to do the ridiculous thing
and comfort him, because
I knew what he meant. Instead I only said
goodbye, locked the door behind him,
and leaned feebly against it. There
was more, I’m sure, but
I don’t know where it went.





"Feeble" is one of those words that starts to sound ridiculous if you say it over & over.
.

Cut

hands shaking- why? body
vibrating, tremors running
through my muscles constantly
and for what reason? not
cold- it is summer
and i can feel the hot
tongue of humidity pressed
against the back of my neck.
arms wrapped around my bent
legs, pulling them in closer
to my chest because I am still
trembling. why?
why?
i am afraid.
i cut the chord, and
i didn't feel a thing.







It took me a while to realize why it was so hard to drink my tea without spilling it.
I'm afraid that I'm becoming a bad person.